Comedy · Technology · Writing

Smartphones Are For Idiots Like Us

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I am not a technology person, so of course I married the sort of man who thinks a month-old phone is “a bit dated.”

In some ways, this is perfect. I hate all things that require more set-up than plugging them in and pushing an “on” button, he positively revels in finding little bowls to keep all the screws when yet another thing needs to be taken apart.

When my last laptop, six months after I bought it, ceased to charge, he gleefully ordered a new port or whatever it needed and replaced the faulty bit for me. And then, when he turned it on and realized the internet wouldn’t work, he took it apart again nine times in case he’d done it wrong.

He hadn’t; I actually could have told him there was a little switch on the front that turned the internet on and off, but the fact is that taking a computer apart nine times in a panic is something he’d rather do than say, “Uh, am I missing something here?”

As I’d rather have him take it apart nine times than bother with it myself, I can’t complain. And I’m not–I just like that story.

So being the techno-hater that I am, I naturally have an iPhone. iPhones are the perfect device for people who cannot cope with “stupid buttons everywhere,” because iPhones are made for idiots. Seeing as the newest models are even waterproof enough to survive an accidental dip in the toilet, you can only break them if you try to charge them in the microwave. Which people do because they might be for idiots but nothing can ever be completely idiot-proof.

But Apple got pretty close. Aside from drastic disasters like smashing on the sidewalk (which admittedly would break me too) the iPhone is the sort of toy you can give a toddler: push any button and it doesn’t matter. It’s great. I have one, my parents have one, and seeing we all three fail at the “push the start menu button, on the left, the left, the LEFT” test it’s perfect for our desires.

That is to say, wasting time.

I mean, really. What have you done the most with your smartphone in the past three days. Is it a) call people, b) do your finances, or c) make little pictures of candy disappear at an alarming rate while muttering that you need to plug in somewhere?

When I edit, I can put my phone on the chair next to me and be able to check Twitter without having to switch windows on my laptop, a great savings in energy and frustration when I lose my place for the trillionth time. I can also play mind-numbing games and browse vaguely ridiculous pictures so I can laugh at them, aka blow air out of my nose slightly harder than usual. Finally, I can listen to music when walking down the road to buy Coke slurpies as a reward for getting some exercise by walking down the road.

But that brings me to the problem with my old phone. It was an iPhone 5c, aka one of the brightly-colored plastic ones, and it only had 16GB of storage. And because the operating system (thing that makes it work) takes up 8GB, it really only had 8 left for my junk. And because I love to take billions of pictures of my parents’ dog with my phone, the only camera she is not deathly afraid of, I didn’t have any more room for more music. Which again, wouldn’t have been a problem except that I tutor English as a Second Language (ESL) and have a billion CDs full of godawful learning-English music I have to keep on my iPhone because my iPod Touch has rejected this music, probably because it didn’t want it stuck in its head, for which I cannot fault it.

Its not a big problem, and I solved it by deleting some extra pictures off my phone, taking off some of the less-loved music, and soldiering on. But this was not good enough for Husband. My phone was nearly two years old! Obsolete! Why didn’t I want a new one?

The only reason I’d been able to keep my phone for so long was because for two solid years iPhones only came in stupid size and even stupider size. My tiny little child hands could neither grip them well nor use them effectively, and so during that time my countering argument to Husband’s pleas that I be as up-to-date as humanly possible were that I would be—if only the phones would be a better size. Darn!

Alas for me, Apple’s newest phone, the SE, is, in fact, the same size as my hot pink iPhone 5C. Same size, I guess better specs, better camera, and it turns out that because of the lunacy of the phone company, it’s in fact cheaper for me to buy a new 64GB phone than it is to keep with my beloved old one.

Now was the time. Didn’t I want more games, Husband wheedled. More music? Something he wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in public with?

Plus, the SE would fit my old iPhone 5 case.

For a brief eight months in Japan, I was the proud owner of a white iPhone 5. I loved that phone. It was stylish, it had internet access, and if I forgot to bring my charging cord to work, I could borrow one from any other member of staff, because they too owned white iPhone 5’s. All of them. Seriously. And for this phone, I had purchased a limited edition Day Dream Carnival pink-and-purple case.

A case which did not fit the 5c, but would fit the new one.

My head said no, but my heart said yes, and Husband took what permission he could get. Last Monday, he dragged me to the phone store where we stood for forty-five minutes avoiding eye contact with a guy I hated from high school who works there, only to be told that they didn’t have any SE’s in stock and would ship it straight to us instead. Which they did. I am now the proud owner of a brand new rose-gold (pink) iPhone SE.

And thirteen new puzzle games to play on it. Because that is, as we all know, what smartphones are for.

Are you a technology person? Do you actually use your phone for anything besides playing games? Do you have any good puzzle game recommendations for me besides Two Dots (which I recommend to you because I love it)? Tell us in the comments below!

Also, have I mentioned I’m having a giveaway? Because I’m totally having a giveaway.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

What Boys Are Made Of by S. Hunter Nisbet

What Boys Are Made Of

by S. Hunter Nisbet

Giveaway ends April 13, 2016.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Ta-dah! Sign up for a chance to win an autographed copy of my debut novel!

Thanks for reading.

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