Comedy · Holiday

5 Christmas Gift Ideas You Definitely Never Thought Of

Christmas is less than nine days away. The only presents you have bought are for your dog, and  you have no idea what people want.

Worse, you don’t have a clue what you want. And why is that?

Because you are an adult, and when you want something, you buy it, because being an adult is awesome.

Because you haven’t seen this list, yet. Obviously.

This is it. The ultimate list.

The List of Five Christmas Gift Ideas You Haven’t Thought Of (from my life to yours.)

You ready for this? Because first on the list is…

A Nice Safety Razor

So safe! So… razor-y!

Think this one’s just for the men? Think again. Men shave, women shave, and all razors are stupidly expensive–except for safety razors, once the initial handle is purchased. Replacement blades are not only cheap, they’re sharp, and they’ll give you the best shave you can get without owning a strop or putting a naked blade under your arm. (Eek!)

Buy or ask for a lovely safety razor, save some money, and have lovely armpits all year round! Or other body parts. I don’t judge.

But really, folks, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, whoever gets it. And so is my next suggestion…

A Rice Cooker

Rice cooker! It makes rice! It makes cooking! See all those modes? You know you want one.

Like the last gift’s not just for men, this isn’t just for women, or people who have lived in Japan. Rice cookers are amazing, and you know why? Because you can put everything in and let a machine do the work.

Convenience is magical.

You want rice in your lunch tomorrow? Stick rice and water in the rice cooker tonight and set the internal timer. You’ll wake to the scent of fresh rice, which you can scoop in your lunch tub and go. Ditto for lunch, or midnight snacks, or anything.

Plus, you can even make bread in a rice cooker! Not good bread, but still, bread! Cool huh?

Join the club of people who have easier lives, or if that doesn’t suit your fancy try gift idea number three…

Food-of-the-Month Club  Membership

I don’t know where you can get a pecan-tart membership, but if it exists, I want it.

These get a bad rap, and unfairly, I feel. Stick with me.

In December, you get a billion gifts. The first is exciting, the second is cool, the third is nice, but by the time you get through them all, it’s a bit overwhelming.

But getting a present in May, when there’s no holidays for people to prove they love you and you feel all alone while eating tacos, that’s super exciting, and that is where the Food-of-the-month club membership comes in to remind the receiver that someone does, in fact love them. Year-round. Probably.

It’s easy to do. Pick a food the receiver likes and let the giver find something to suit their budget. The subscription doesn’t just have to be for jam or sweets, there’s clubs for smoked meat, beer, tea–whatever suits your fancy. Ask for it, give it, and feel the love all year round.

Or there’s always option number four…

A Nail Gun

Sadly, I don’t own a nail gun yet. But if I did, that’d be a picture of it.

Now, I know you are thinking: “This is not a practical gift.”

But it is.

If you want to hang something on your wall but are not well-coordinated, it’s easy to hit your fingers with a hammer. With a nail gun, you can hang pictures with ease.

And that’s not all. A nail gun is not only practical, it’s safety-conscious.

How many times have you wanted to take out a home intruder James Bond-style? (Casino Royale, I promise it’s there.) I admit, I’ve never had an intruder, and I don’t own a nail gun, but if I did, that sucker would be on my nightstand just so I could stay up prayin’ I was finally gonna get lucky, boy howdy, wouldn’t it be nice.

But if that doesn’t suit your fancy, there’s always one last gift option that’s unisex, environmentally-friendly, and great for absolutely anybody

A Burial Plot 

IMG_2561 (2)
They decompose when you’re done with them.

Funerals are expensive, as insurance commercials on TV are forever warning us. What better gift for not only you, but your loved ones, than to offset the cost now?

I also don’t have one of these already, but I know I’d love to get one. The gift of eternity in a backwater county in Missouri, or my own mausoleum in New Orleans, what a dream!

Now, you might be saying this is a bit morbid, but I’m all for practical gifts, and this is as practical as it comes. Far more so than, say, learning a dying language, or gifting someone this adorable play about Japan. Plus, a burial plot never goes out of style and doesn’t wear out, ever, unless Pizza Hut decides they need to build a car park, but even then they still inter you somewhere else for free, so why are you complaining, geez, people, what do you want.

A burial plot is definitely on my list this year. Family, if you are reading this, you know what to get me. That, or the nail gun, which I also don’t own yet. Alas.

Well, I hope this has been a great help to all of you, my darling readers. Remember, Christmas is the season of giving and generosity, so maybe choose a couple of things from this list to give, or ask for. And have a happy holidays!

[Header photo courtesy of Pixabay.]

8 thoughts on “5 Christmas Gift Ideas You Definitely Never Thought Of

  1. Aaahaha! The nail gun… Can I just say that you could not have written a better Christmas gift list for my husband. Every single thing on here is exactly what he’d be delighted to receive and I could not have thought of a single one of them by myself. This is so weird! Back to the nail gun, also super useful for hanging all the photo frames that you will inevitably receive as Christmas presents. Surely I’m not the only one with a stash of gifted frames in the back of a cupboard…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did have frames, and then I moved and they all, ah, got lost. Alas! But in all seriousness this what happens when I try to write a helpful post and run out of ideas way too soon. I’m now actually hoping that someone gives me a nail gun.

      Liked by 1 person

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